The Mom I Want To Be

A few nights ago, Baby woke me up at 4:30am with the usual quick bathroom trip. But even though I wanted to crawl back into bed and get in the last hour and a half of sleep, Baby was kicking up a storm and I realized...I was hungry. Now, first trimester hunger I absolutely could not ignore. I would get nauseous and feel terrible and just unable to wait more than two hours to eat. Late second trimester hunger I can hold off until I'm able to get a decent, healthy meal. The hunger is not quite as intense. I could have crawled back into bed and waited an hour and a half before it was time to get up, shower, and make breakfast. But Baby was kicking, kicking, kicking, and while I was excited at first to feel him move so much, I started to wonder--what if he was kicking so much because he couldn't wait to eat? Maybe I was hungry but he was extra hungry! Not wanting to deprive my child, I hurried downstairs at 4:30am to make myself a bowl of cereal, and added peanut butter a...

Dear Baby, I stumble and slide out of the bed in the morning, pushing myself up with my arms because my abs no longer work to help me sit up on my own. It's one of my favorite times of day, while at the same time also being the scariest. My favorite, because I get to wake up and remember that you're there with me still, that I'm pregnant and you're inside me. The scariest, because I've been asleep for hours and so it's likely you were you too--stilled into calm by my lack of movement at the end of the day--and so I haven't felt you move or kick yet. I hope breakfast will wake you up, though I know you will likely be much more active tonight, since I feel you most after work, after dinner, right before I fall asleep. I got your daddy a book for his birthday yesterday. I wasn't sure if he would think it was silly or not, but it made him cry--the good kind of tears--so I consider that a birthday win. The book is  about what you'll be when you gr...

Vivid dreams are nothing new to me. While some people tell me they hardly ever dream, or they're often plagued with nightmares, I've been lucky enough to grow up with mostly positive dreams (or at least not scary ones) that were as clear as reality. When I was a kid and teenager, I started a dream journal and would write down my dreams as soon as I woke up because that's the best time to remember them. Getting into that habit actually led me to remember my dreams even more: sometimes action-adventures tales where I must escape "the bad guys" and save people, sometimes running late for school dreams (either to attend class or to teach it). I don't usually believe that my dreams have a deeper, symbolic meaning, but tend to believe they're manifestations of the things I worry about most or just think about most throughout the day and throughout my life. For example, when Hubby and I were trying to conceive, I definitely dreamed about children. The most m...

  Actual footage of Baby's leg at the 20-week ultrasound. His foot measured 1.4 inches long. That's gotta pack some power! After feeling flutters since around Christmas, I've been waiting to feel the one thing everyone always talks about: baby kicks. Now that I've been pregnant long enough to determine the difference between baby movement and gas, I can pretty much tell when the baby is somersaulting in my belly and when he's actually kicking (or possibly punching). Unfortunately, Hubby had yet to feel any of it. The past few days I would often announce to him that the baby was moving, and he'd immediately come over to place his hand on my belly. "Baby? You have anything to say to Daddy?" he'd asked. But no response. At least, none that he could sense from the outside. But on the night of January 31, 2019 I was crawling into bed to go to sleep. Baby hadn't moved much in the past couple of days, and I was trying not to worry. Of co...