Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I stumble and slide out of the bed in the morning, pushing myself up with my arms because my abs no longer work to help me sit up on my own. It's one of my favorite times of day, while at the same time also being the scariest. My favorite, because I get to wake up and remember that you're there with me still, that I'm pregnant and you're inside me. The scariest, because I've been asleep for hours and so it's likely you were you too--stilled into calm by my lack of movement at the end of the day--and so I haven't felt you move or kick yet. I hope breakfast will wake you up, though I know you will likely be much more active tonight, since I feel you most after work, after dinner, right before I fall asleep.

I got your daddy a book for his birthday yesterday. I wasn't sure if he would think it was silly or not, but it made him cry--the good kind of tears--so I consider that a birthday win. The book is about what you'll be when you grow up, and it has his name printed inside it along with your nickname, "Baby V." If I knew your name yet, I would have used that instead, but we still don't know who you'll be. We still don't know what you'll be called. And as hard as that is, it's also a little exciting. You could be anyone. The possibilities are endless. We have all the choices in the world. But, of course, you'll be here before we know it, so not all the time in the world to make that choice.

I like to think about what you will become once you're grown, but I'm also okay with living in the present, focusing on just how tiny you are and how that won't last forever. Mostly right now I just like to think about what you will be like once you come out--will your skin be dark or light? Your hair curly or straight? Will you have brown eyes or green eyes or somehow get the rare blue from your grandmother? Will you be a good sleeper or take forever to fall? Will you love sweets or be skeptical about the sugary taste and prefer meat like your uncle? Will you ask for Daddy first or Mommy? What will be your first word? When will you walk? Will you love Spider-Man? Will you love Disney songs? Will you like the name we give you? How will you want to decorate your room? What will be your favorite color? Will you be tidy or a little slob? Will you love school or hate it? What will make you scared? What will make you happy?

I can't wait to learn it all.