The Fourth Trimester

Greetings all, and welcome to my first post as a new mom (aside from my labor and delivery story that began while I was still pregnant).

Life after birth and with a newborn can be rough. Life after c-section birth with a newborn can be especially rough. You can get through it if you have a great support system, lots of opportunities to cry freely, and photos of when your baby is an angel to remind you that his own periods of crying freely will end eventually. Plus he will be an absolute adorable doll while he's asleep, and when he's awake will (sometimes) stare up at you with enormous eyes filled with wonder.

But I'm here for some real talk--what to expect those first days and weeks after surgery and with a new, helpless baby in tow. The things no one tells you (aside from, "You will not get any sleep," which everyone tells you, and is absolutely true, for the record).

#1. You will not get any sleep

Don't think your situation might be different, that your baby is special, that you've done all the research. Because ultimately, you will be up round the clock feeding, diapering, and trying to get baby to sleep as the cycle starts all over again. We heard and read dozens of times, "Sleep when the baby sleeps" as well. This is true, however, it's a hard balance. When Baby is sleeping it's pretty much your only opportunity to get true rest, but it can be a challenge to rest when you're also under the constant fear that Baby will wake up again. I like to think of this as "nap-time roulette." Will he sleep for three hours this time or 10 minutes? Add the bonus of a baby that won't sleep in his bassinet, only in your arms, and you'll find sleep even more elusive. Then there's the fact that if Baby is sleeping for a decent stretch of time you might want to actually squeeze in other "luxuries" besides sleep--like a shower, lunch, or brushing your teeth. As a recovering c-section mommy who has had some struggles with breastfeeding, I also debate using baby sleep time for soaking sores and taking my prescribed pain medicine, which are also often forgotten in the middle of the "feed, diaper, try to nap" cycle. Priorities, right? Which leads me to:

#2. You will have to set realistic goals for yourself each day

If you imagine maternity leave will be a bit like a work vacation...that may be a mistake. I remember the days when I would come home from work too tired to do anything but eat dinner and surf on Facebook, telling myself I only had two more days to get through until the weekend. And I thought that was exhaustion! At least I got to enjoy dinner! Yesterday I literally made a to-do list for myself that instructed me to: 1) learn to use breast pump, 2) eat, 3) hang newborn photo shoot pictures that arrived in mail, 4) sleep. Yes, I literally had to put "eat" and "sleep" on my list of goals for the day. Spoiler alert, I only really got to one of these items.

All is not lost, however. If you do set realistic goals and not try to get ahead of yourself during a time where you really can only focus on baby, you'll feel more accomplished. There shouldn't be pressure to do housework (especially if you're still recovering from a c-section), cook meals, or even put on a shirt. My biggest accomplishment one day was taking a shower and washing away the spoiled breastmilk smell while Hubby kept Baby entertained with music from the movie Coco. Some days are better than others and you'll be able to pay your bills and write a blog post that isn't typed out with one hand complaining about how overwhelming life is. Other days you'll be lucky if you do brush your teeth during the day (sugar-free gum is a lifesaver, by the way), and you'll have to turn away visitors because your robes are all in the hamper and nothing else fits. It's okay if you don't have time to read a book or watch Netflix--as appealing as that might sound. Shoot for getting baby to sleep, and then after that you can decide what small tasks you think you can handle.

#3. You may still feel like you're pregnant

Aside from the lingering belly (yes, you'll still have a belly, but it's honestly not that bad), there are other aspects of this "fourth trimester" that will remind you that pregnancy isn't quite done yet. I was really looking forward to sleeping on my stomach again after pregnancy and being able to bend down to pick things up again too. With a c-section recovery, however, those things will have to wait a little while longer. While I can now eat sushi, deli meat, and leftover rice again, coffee and alcohol still have to be avoided since they can transfer into your breastmilk. I did allow myself a little coffee after Baby's birth (I miss it so much...) but I don't want to risk the caffeine keeping Baby awake during precious nap time. So paying attention to what you eat will still be important. The good news? If breastfeeding you can still eat a bit like you did during pregnancy--those calories are important to help you refuel and make meals for your baby. I continue to indulge on full-fat ice cream, lactation cookies, and lots of protein. I also have sports drinks with sugar in them (something I rarely drank before pregnancy) to help keep me hydrated. Because after the c-section surgery I was so dehydrated I had an immense headache that lasted for days. There are other aches and pains after having a baby that will remind you of the aches and pains of pregnancy as well. I won't go into all the details here, but you can probably imagine the issues you might encounter with your body still changing and your stomach and other organs working their way back to normal.

#4. You may feel overwhelmed

This may be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life (at least for some). It's certainly the most physically taxing stage of parenthood, according to my OB-GYN. I'm lucky enough to not have postpartum depression, but even I have had days where I felt I wasn't bonding with the baby as much as my husband because I could only focus on how miserable I felt. I just needed to cry. This is all new, with so much to learn, and so much you have to give of your body and your mind. Add the pains you're going through and lack of sleep on top of that, and it's easy to feel like you can't do it. Spoiler alert: you can. Though hearing things like, "you get into more of a routine by six weeks" might not be very helpful when you've barely survived making it to week two, it's good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When you do feel overwhelmed, it definitely helps to cry it out, let Hubby or Mom or a friend hold the baby, and talk to someone who's been there. I sent a panicked text to my friend in LA who had a baby a year ago wondering how she could have possibly breastfed for seven whole months. I'm a person who rarely complains to my friends and rarely shows emotions of sadness or vulnerability in front of them. She responded immediately with a phone call and talked me down with great advice and overwhelming support. That kind of "overwhelming" is the good kind.

#5. You will have a baby now

This one seems a little obvious, but I went with this wording for a reason instead of saying "it's all worth it." Of course it's worth it. Your little angel (mine is asleep now so I can call him that), is absolutely worth all the pain, changes, and challenges you go through in this fourth trimester. But you know that already. Babies are adorable by nature, and you might catch yourself tearing up at something as simple as the fact that you see curls in his hair and wonder if he will get curly hair like you. You will feel his pain when he has to go to the doctor or when he is uncomfortable and all you want to do is make it right. This is your child and you love him and would do anything for him. But the thing people don't tell you about life after birth is that, hey, you have a baby now. You have to keep him alive. It's actually quite surreal that a family of two is now suddenly changed forever. That this tiny bundle  the hospital gave you isn't going anywhere. You aren't babysitting. No one else is coming to pick him up. He is made up of you and his father. He is a part of you and you're a part of him, and now he's a part of your lives. It's (hopefully) what you've been longing for. It's certainly what I wanted as soon as possible after I got married, and now suddenly I have my wish. No more months of trying. No more disappointed pregnancy tests. No more pregnant belly. No more waiting. No more longing. He's here. It's hard to believe, and yet he's on my lap right now, letting me type with two hands for once. And yes, I could be sleeping, but I napped a couple of hours ago and I know if I try to move him into his bassinet he will likely wake up and demand to be fed and we will begin the cycle all over again.

But right now, he feels comfortable and safe enough to sleep because he is on me. So I won't move him. I'll just finish up this blog post that took a few days to write and wonder how Hubby and I were ever able to make something so perfect.