It Gets Easier...Mostly

This Wednesday is my six-week post-delivery checkup at the OB-GYN. It's been six weeks since the c-section and six weeks since the birth of my baby. My baby is six weeks old. That's over a month now, and halfway through my 12 weeks of maternity leave. The days have definitely blurred together and gone by as fast as any mom will tell you about her children growing up. "Don't blink." "The days are long but the years are short." "Treasure every moment." Yes, "it goes by so fast."

The good news is that in this time, things have actually gotten easier, little by little. Sometimes in small, imperceptible ways, until you realize how much has changed and you have more moments of feeling like something was accomplished. Progress toward a goal of "getting the hang of this."

I remember at my two-week post-delivery checkup sitting in the waiting room next to my husband. Baby was in his car seat after fighting to be strapped in and crying at being restrained. My husband was quiet, half asleep. I was drooping with fatigue myself and just a little frustrated that I couldn't do this on my own--I can't even lift my baby inside his car seat carrier. I felt okay, but definitely new-mom drained. It had, after all, only been two weeks. We were in survival mode, surviving, but not really getting the hang of much yet.

Now four weeks later and Baby still cries at being restrained in his car seat, and we still get tired each day. But believe it or not, what they tell you is true: it does get easier with time. Each stage brings new challenges, but this too shall pass.

At six weeks, I'm "officially" healed from my c-section. My movement (bending, climbing stairs, and most lifting) doesn't feel restrained. I don't feel pain. Showers are heaven instead of feeling like my insides are going to fall out. All this makes it a little easier doing things around the house. And, except when Baby kicks me right in my stomach, I feel very close to my old self--how I felt before pregnancy (except with an added supply of milk due to breastfeeding).

At six weeks old, Baby has sort of developed a routine. It's impossible to predict exactly when he will eat and nap during the day, but at night (pretty much any time after 9 pm) we can usually get him to sleep for four hours straight, feed him, and then (hopefully) have him sleep another two hours in the early morning. It's interrupted sleep, but it's still six hours a night that Hubby and I can now get somewhat consistently. Considering the fact that the ideal night's sleep is only eight hours, and that we often got way less than eight hours before having a kid, I feel pretty good about this progress. Most days I'm energized enough to make it through without a nap during the day, though I still sometimes heed the advice of "sleep when the baby sleeps" and squeeze an extra nap in too.

Other successes: Baby is finally getting used to falling asleep in other places besides up against our bodies. As adorable as baby snuggles are, it's nice that we can now get him to drift off in his swing, or put him to sleep at night in his bassinet and know he will stay there the whole time (fingers crossed, of course. I don't want to tempt fate).

These little successes do make you feel like you're moving forward. That he's growing. That you're doing something right and that eventually you'll be able to do more than just stay home and feed your baby with TV on in the background as you're chained to a rocking chair. Hubby and I actually had two outings this month that had nothing to do with doctor or lactation appointments. We put Baby in his car seat and went out for coffee, lunch, and dessert on one day. Another day we tag-teamed getting haircuts with me feeding baby under a nursing cape while Hubby got his cut and Hubby holding our thankfully sleeping son while I got mine cut. It was a small outing, not too far from our house, but it made us both feel more human (my hair isn't falling in my eyes anymore!). It was also nice to indulge a little getting Starbucks after the haircuts and before going home. I got my coffee!

That's not to say that everything is perfect now. Yesterday Baby had a particularly fussy day. It was probably from gas, but with a baby that can't communicate, you never know for certain. He clearly wasn't sick, but he wouldn't stop crying when we tried to feed him. So we went through a few hours' cycle of diaper changes, trying to feed, calming him down when he screamed, trying tummy medicine and compresses, and then starting all over again until he was finally hungry enough to eat. Then he fell asleep, turned into an angel again, and did his usually evening routine with four hours in the bassinet. Of course, he couldn't fall back asleep for the last two hours I looked forward to now, so after another diaper change we tried the swing, where he did fall asleep, giving me time for that extra two-hour nap I needed to survive today after all.

Everything is an experiment. There's a lot of trial an error. But it felt easier that previous weeks had been. Not quite as many tears. More solutions to try. And ultimately that precious sleep our whole family craves.

As time passes and life eases bit by bit, we noticed a new trend in visitors as well. The first couple of weeks, of course, everyone wants to see Baby. Family and closest friends stop by, and while you might not feel 100%, you appreciate the assistance and love showing off your bundle of joy. After a month, there's another influx of people wanting to see your baby. The ones who waited until he was a little older to give you both time to adjust. This week alone we've had several people ask to stop by, often bringing gifts that are so appreciated, and all cooing about how precious and adorable our son is. Family members have returned several times to visit as well. They comment on how Baby has grown, which is hard to believe since we see him every day. To me, in some ways, he still looks like the little newborn I held in the hospital. But to those who don't see him every day, they notice that his cheeks are a little more full. His legs are definitely longer. And then I discover that he doesn't fit in newborn clothes anymore and that he's feeling a little heavier in my arms. I have to admit that everyone is right. He has grown quite a bit, darn it. In two more weeks he won't even be considered a "newborn" anymore by doctor definitions. Just an infant or baby until he reaches the toddler years. What happened to my tiny new life? The month has just flown by.

With each month comes new worries, of course. As he gets closer to sleeping through the night he also gets closer to crawling. Walking. We'll have to baby-proof the entire house thoroughly. We'll have to leave him in the care of family babysitters while we go to work. Today, while we napped, Hubby and I both had dreams about our son. Hubby dreamed that he missed Baby's first steps. I dreamed that Baby threw up all over his car seat, but as I was cleaning it a strange man gave him medicine for gas. I was appalled that this man thought he could make decisions for my child and scared that maybe he had given something he shouldn't have. As I left to dress my son, I saw that another baby was wearing clothes that belonged to him (It was a cute outfit that doesn't exist in real life but had lamb faces on the footies). What do such detailed dreams mean? You could say that since we are with our baby all the time it's only natural to dream about him. Or you could read into both dreams that at the halfway point of our parental leave, Hubby and I are worrying about 1) missing his future milestones because of work, 2) leaving him in the care of someone else while we are away, and 3) seeing him outgrow his clothes as he gets bigger and bigger, leaving behind each precious, previous stage.

Once we reach the stage of having others watch our child, both Hubby and I will have more freedom to go out, sleep, or catch up on whatever needs to be done that we didn't give a second thought before having a baby. In that sense, life will, in fact, be easier. But we will miss what we have right now. Despite the challenges. Despite the fact that it is definitely not easy. We love our son and we are loving the time that we have with him.

This week, when Baby isn't being fussy, Hubby and I are often cooing over him as he stares at us in between feedings and diaper changes (we're still new parents, after all). We note how handsome this baby is. How smart. How strong. And very photogenic. I realized that over the past few weeks I'd taken so many pictures of my son--with grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends, and with Hubby himself. But I actually didn't have a lot of photos of me with him.

So part of cherishing this time that we have is capturing those moments. I asked Hubby to use my camera and snap a few mother-son shots. He ended up taking some beautiful pictures of us together, and today even caught one of Baby smiling at me. It's not a laughing smile--more of a facial twitch right now until Baby gets a little older and starts to smile for real. But it is still absolutely something to share and treasure and commemorate how good life feels right now.

That's what I was thinking during our first non-appointment family outing. I had just bought Starbucks with a gift card I won at a friend's baby shower over a year ago. At that time I wanted a baby so badly, but six months had passed with no success. When I won one of the baby shower games, I thought maybe it could be a sign of things to come. And so I saved that gift card, not wanting to spend it until my luck had changed. Sitting in the backseat next to my baby with Starbucks in hand, I told my husband that story.

And I told him, "I feel really good."

That by itself is proof that things do get better day by day. You will feel good again after the hospital stay. You will start to feel more normal after adjusting to caring for a new life. Yes, it's hard having a child, but for me it was even harder to wish for something that I couldn't make come true. But the days passed and our luck changed. My baby is here. That weight and longing has lifted. Which really does make life a whole lot easier.