Daddy's Boy

Photo taken just this morning. Awww.

Two days ago, a friend of mine shared an article on Facebook about the importance of paternity leave, written by the husband of Serena Williams (Alexis Ohanian). It's a great read and I commented on the Facebook post with how crucial my husband's paternity leave was (and still is for one more week) after the birth of my son. My friend appreciated my comment, but her own friend commented below me saying how paternity leave is only useful if the husband actually helps and doesn't use the free time off work as a sabbatical to further his career and increase the wage gap.

Now I'm absolutely a feminist in favor of equal pay for women, and I feel awful if this woman experienced an unhelpful husband situation in her past or knows other women who have. But in 2019, it's time to stop painting dads--and men in general--as bumbling caretakers, uninvolved workaholics, or babysitters to their own children. Admit it, we share those social media videos of a dad who stepped up and did his daughter's hair or dressed up for her tea party. We laugh as men on TV try to change a diaper for the first time. We expect a wife to get maternity leave but don't automatically expect it for a husband--or we assume the husband may use the time off as a vacation. Let me tell you, the past three months have not been a vacation for either of us--and we both wouldn't trade this time for the world. Still, the comment on Facebook prompted me to think through a typical day in the life of our parental leave this summer, and share just how much Hubby, a.k.a. Daddy, really does for us both:

Our day starts when the baby wakes, maybe around 5am. Hubby and I each spring out of bed once Baby's squeaks turn into audible cries. I watch my son and soothe him in the bassinet while Hubby runs to the bathroom, then Hubby takes him out of the bassinet and changes his diaper while I run to the bathroom. I grab my nursing pillow and water thermos and head downstairs. Hubby follows behind with our boy in his arms. I set up on the couch or rocking chair with the nursing pillow. Hubby lowers our son onto the pillow for me. Only once Baby is latched and eating calmly does my husband leave my side.

He'll sometimes head out to the gym then for just 15 minutes--half the time he used to go before Baby arrived--in order to get back to us sooner. But sometimes he'll make an extra stop for smoothies or pancakes for breakfast. Once home, he holds our son so I can eat, even if it means that he can't. In the first couple of weeks after c-section, he also kept a detailed record of which medicines I had to take and made sure I had each dose on time.

After breakfast my son often lets out a loud squirt of poop, and Hubby changes his diaper again. We play with him together on his playmat before he gets hungry again. While Baby eats, Hubby washes the parts of my breast pump so I can pump after feeding in order to build my milk supply stash. He then lifts a sleeping baby off my lap and into his bassinet, freeing me to pump. If Baby wakes while he lifts him, he bounces and rocks our son, keeping him occupied until I'm finished pumping. Sometimes Baby falls asleep in his arms.

During the next feeding, Hubby sets up my computer for me so I can surf on Facebook, or watch videos, or type this blog, with a baby on my lap. He heats up lunch for us and sometimes feeds it to me if I don't want to risk moving. But if I need a break, he's right there. During this part of the day, my husband usually squeezes in chores like the dishes, laundry, or even scrubbing our toilets, all without being asked. If I ordered groceries to be delivered to our front porch, he brings them inside and puts them away. After checking to be 100 percent sure I'm okay, he might take a quick nap, and encourages me to do the same when Baby falls asleep again.

Sometimes we have to run an errand with Baby. I pack the diaper bag while Hubby straps the baby in his carseat and ensures it is secure. He stuffs pee pads under Baby's legs in case of diaper leakage and carries the carseat to the door, then into the car once we're ready to go. He drives while I sit in the backseat next to our son. When we're out, he carries the diaper bag too. I offer to get the stroller because it's my favorite, and he changes Baby's diaper one more time before we strap him in for the stroller ride. If Baby isn't fussy on the way back, we sometimes stop for dinner--usually drive-thru for now since that's easiest. But Hubby always asks me to think of a place I want to eat for dinner because he knows fast food still isn't my favorite and wants to make sure I get something I enjoy.

Once it gets closer to 7pm we start planning Baby's bedtime routine. If it's been a few days since his bath, or we have guests the next day, or if he just smells like spilt milk, we give Baby a bath. Hubby holds him while I prepare the bath to the right temperature. He lowers our son down and I scrub him up. When finished, he raises our son out of the tub and into the towel in my waiting arms. We both dry Baby down and wrap him up warm. Then I put him in a new diaper while Hubby drains the water. Sometimes we sing a lullaby together for him. Sometimes we take turns reading him stories. It's now time for one more feeding to get Baby to sleep. We prepare as we do in the morning: I set up my nursing pillow on our bed this time, and Hubby lowers Baby into my lap. He reminds me that he'll be back to check on us in 20 minutes, and sets up my iPad (so I can play Baby's favorite lullabies) and my phone (so I can call him quickly if I need him sooner). He goes downstairs and only then might wind down with his favorite video games while I wind down our son. After 20 minutes, he comes back upstairs and puts Baby into a swaddle. I feed Baby from the other side as Hubby keeps me company. Once Baby is asleep, he lifts him off my lap and together we carefully lower him into his bassinet for the night.

Sometimes Baby will wake in the middle of the night and we'll repeat the feed, swaddle, feed, bassinet routine. Lately, however, Baby has been sleeping longer. We've had three lucky days in a row where he slept from 9pm to 4:45! He then stirs around 5am and our day begins again.

You can see it really is a tag-team effort. Neither one of us is doing everything. My husband absolutely "helps" during our leave, and I'm so grateful we both have the same number of weeks off from work.

My friends are still often shocked when I tell them Hubby changed ALL the diapers for the first two months, commenting how other men can learn from him. But despite some articles promoting the opposite, I truly believe men are learning to or always have been able to step up. Dads like Donte Palmer and singer John Legend started a campaign to install more baby changing stations in men's restrooms. Alexis Ohanian fights for policy change with his pledge for paternity leave. And dads everywhere, every day just take care of their children because they are parents and that's what parents do. Or should do. Maybe I just got one of the good ones.

All I know is that Hubby can often calm our son faster than I can, continuing their special bond that began after my c-section, doing skin to skin contact together when I couldn't. Hubby cried the first time he was able to feed Baby himself with a bottle. He greets him each morning with a cheery salutation, dances with him at night, and very rarely loses patience even with the lack of sleep. Our boy just has a natural way of putting a smile on his face. I'm so happy that they take care of each other and that my son truly is a "daddy's boy."