Driven (AKA: Just Say No)

Before Baby, you could probably describe me as a “driven” person. I’ve always had goals, dreams, and passion. My goal was to be high school valedictorian since middle school (which I did achieve, thank you very much, even though our graduating class had about 10 valedictorians because our school was so big). As a teenager my dream was to get a laptop computer of my own so I could write stories. Once I started working at a library, my goal was to become a librarian and get a full time job doing so. I didn't just want a bachelor's degree--I wanted a master's degree. I even got accepted into three different graduate school programs (Screenwriting, Journalism, and Library Science) before deciding on my ultimate career.

In my current job as a librarian I have also volunteered for my share of activities. I've signed on to committees and agreed to chair committees--groups that are a part of my job and groups that are national, where I worked with people remotely from across the country! I've signed myself up for presentations and gone to and presented at conferences for professional development out of state.

Outside of work I made writing resolutions, led two writing groups, attended two book clubs, and volunteered with a therapy dog organization to help train new dog recruits.

And today, I still have ambition: to rise up a grade on my work's salary schedule through continued professional development. I still have a goal: to get transferred to a location closer to my house. I still have a dream: to get a children's novel published one day.

But I am not the same person I was before Baby.

People who knew me before Baby often assume that I'm still the same me, and I don't blame them. That just makes sense. They assume that work and other activities still drive me in the way they did before. But even I'm surprised by how much they just...don't. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation that makes me not care as much about certain things anymore, but I'm pretty sure it's mostly the fact that my priorities have shifted. I expected my son to become my priority after he was born, but I didn't expect just how much I would lose interest in my past ambitions. Some things are still important, like writing, which is a part of my very core. Other activities and extra work that I used to go after or commit to, however, just don't hold my interest anymore. And with Baby's feeding, babysitting, and sleep schedule, there's a lot of extras that I just can't physically do anymore anyway. There's not enough hours in the day. Baby's needs have to come first.

Being a mom is a full-time job that's not only taken up my schedule, but also my heart. My writing core has made room for a new and very big outside interest in raising the best human I can raise. I research sleep and food, medicine and discipline. I give everything--my time, my energy, my milk--so that he can thrive. And as much as I might reiterate how hard it can be, I’m happy to do it.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and now that I can finally claim that title for real I'm trying to go all-in as much as possible. I can't afford to be a stay-at-home mom, but I can make every moment I have with my child count. As Hubby likes to say, "We might not always be with him, but we'll always be there for him."

I’m still a driven person. I still want to achieve my goals. It's just most of those goals are different now.

It made me feel so accomplished, for example, a couple of weeks ago when Hubby had to work an evening shift and I was alone in the house. I managed to get Baby in his pajamas by myself, take a quick shower to save time in the morning, put him in his sleep sack, turn on Mozart, feed him, and get him to sleep all before Hubby came home. It takes up every waking moment, as I've mentioned before, but I live for those moments and successes, and yes, even the new challenges that motherhood brings.

So when someone asks if I can take on something new, assuming I'm still just as eager to volunteer for new things as I was before, I hope they're not too shocked when I say, "no." Because before Baby I almost never said "no." With Baby I've gained confidence and learned what I can handle and what I cannot.

For those who have had kids, I hope they start to remember how all-encompassing a baby can be--even for months after maternity leave has ended--and don't take it personally when I decline. For those who haven't had kids before, I hope they believe me when I say just how exhausting it can be, and how much work this second job really takes. With amazing rewards, of course, but still one of the hardest things I've ever done. And I've graduated valedictorian, and presented at conferences, and made it through a master's degree program.

For those who are having kids right now, I will gladly go to bat for you against anyone who thinks you should be the same person you were before, or against anyone who wants you to jump on a big, new project or activity.

Because a baby changes everything.

And I personally think he's a very good excuse.