Parenting Style?

I've always wanted to be a mom. Like, four years old, playing with dolls I knew some day I would grow up and have my own real baby. Seven-year-old me started collecting my American Girl "daughters" and absolutely loving the very idea of pushing a stroller. Twenty-two-year-old me adored toddler story time as my absolute favorite part of my job at the library. And thirty-two year old me was so over-the-moon thrilled to find out I was pregnant I broke down in tears with Hubby (and I'm not the type to easily cry).

So, now that it's finally happened, and I'm officially living that #MomLife, can I say it's everything I'd imagined it would be? Well, actually...yes. I knew there would be challenges and joys, and there have been. But the biggest challenges we still manage to survive and the biggest joys are worth absolutely every moment.

I can honestly say I love everything about being a mom (at least right now--we haven't reached the "terrible twos" just yet...). I love seeing excitement on my son's face when he recognizes something and learns. I love coming up with plans and schedules and food for him. I love reading books and watching him point and turn pages. I love the talks Hubby and I have as we give him a bath together and the face of my son when he's sleeping in my arms. Crazy as it might sound, I don't even mind it when he cries because it means I can comfort him. When he doesn't have a good night's sleep it is exhausting, but at least I get to spend more time with him and lie down beside him. When he has a tantrum, it's a learning opportunity--a chance for me to try to actually parent and try different techniques (parenting "styles" if you will). When people tell me I'm a "good mom" (as much as I want that to be true), I still sometimes find it hard to believe that I'm actually being a mom when 90% of my "parenting" for the past 16 months has just been feeding my son, hugging him, and making sure he doesn't injure himself. Is that all there is to parenthood? I'm sure more of the "raising" part will come later and I'll feel even more like a mom then too, but maybe just keeping them happy and healthy is all there is to it and that's enough to keep me happy.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not trying to come off as super human. I still like my "me" time at the end of the day when Baby's asleep at last (usually the only time I get to write blog posts or write anything). I find coming up with meals a challenge since I don't really cook. And I will happily throw my breast pump out the window in celebration of the fact that I do not have to pump while at work any longer. But aside from needing a couple of breaks to write, eat, and shower (and maybe spend some alone time with my husband), I really don't mind spending the rest of every moment with my son.

Which is why, as a super-devoted, motherhood-loving mother, I'm surprised that my parenting style is actually a lot more laid back than I thought it would be. For someone who always wanted to be a mother, who gets joy out of parenting, you would think I'd be whipping up homemade meals and planning structured learning activities and scheduling naps and playdates. You might even think I'd lean in the direction of "crunchy mom." While we did safe co-sleeping for a while out of necessity and I did want to babywear my son (the c-section changed that plan) and I do extended breastfeeding because we both enjoy it, I'm not quite that type of mom. On the other side, there are also parents who put themselves first--not necessarily in a selfish way but in either a self-care way or in a household that is more adult-centered than child-centered. These are the moms who let their kids play with the neighborhood kids outside unsupervised while they take care of other business. Unless the children are bleeding or starting a fire, they won't let them interrupt an adult conversation. And they are definitely okay with letting kids cry because they won't be able to function on minimal sleep if they keep waking up throughout the night. That's definitely not me either. I can't just ignore a cry. And when a child comes to talk to me--even kids that aren't my own--I know that what they have to say is important. At least to them. So I try my best to listen.

Thus, like a lot of moms, I find myself to be a hybrid of multiple styles, ultimately discovering more about myself as a parent as I go along and realizing what is important to me and what's not.

For example, I've always been the kind of person who supports doing what works for you but also following science and expert advice as much as is possible. So we vaccinate on schedule and follow car seat rules. Even when Baby wouldn't fall asleep alone, I made sure he only co-slept with me alone, while exclusively breastfeeding, without blankets, and with my arm and blockades as barriers to keep him from rolling off the bed. Thankfully, he now can sleep alone, but in a playpen instead of a crib because the crib just didn't work for us--our light sleeper would flutter awake after an hour max and kept hitting his head against the bars as he moved in his sleep. How can we argue with the playpen results when he's safe and sleeps through the night?

I also look to the American Academy of Pediatrics for guidance, but during this pandemic we have had to go against their guidelines for screen time. I was adamant about keeping screens away when he was infant, but with working from home on our own screens it soon became apparent that we couldn't hide them from him for long. It started with FaceTime calls (which the AAP is okay on for babies) but has graduated to music videos that he can dance to. I did talk to my pediatrician about it and she said if the limited screen time was interactive (like, we're all watching and dancing together), then it was actually okay. And with Baby being 16 months old, he is closer to toddlerhood than infancy.

I feel like, because of his age, I'm now a little more relaxed with him on a lot of things than I used to be as a brand new mom. My son is both smart and sturdy. While the anxious side of me ensures he is safe, the flexible parenting style mom knows he'll survive eating that Cheerio he dropped on the floor (as long as it didn't fall into a pile of dust). I do want him to eat whole grain carbs with his nutritionally sound meals (I don't like processed foods at all), but a little piece of pizza once in a while won't hurt him. I don't let him drink juice because of the sugar on his teeth, but the occasional ice cream dessert is okay in my book as long as we brush his teeth--hey, ice cream has calcium, dairy, and very few ingredients if you get the natural kind. Plus I eat it in front of him....

We limit screens but we don't ban them. We let him climb our stairs or backwards up his play slide, but only when Mommy or Daddy are directly behind him. We're responsive to his cries at night but just watch a tantrum where he can't get what he wants and hold him until he calms down. I am adamant about no spanking or hitting (I'm not saying it's child abuse as I know many good parents who parent that way)-- I just can't use that as a form of punishment, especially on a Baby who doesn't know enough about the world yet. Tantrums and acting out at this age is because of their development and big feelings that they don't know how to express, not because they're trying to be bad.

We'll see what changes as Baby gets older and new forms of boundaries and discipline are required, but right now we're already seeing results from our balanced approach to child rearing that is both hands on and hands off--both cautious and relaxed. Baby is both careful and confident when in new situations and trying something new. He's not a fan of all foods but he will try almost everything once. He bravely goes down the slide by himself but clings to Mom when there's a lot of people around. When greeted by a new stranger, he doesn't necessarily run to me, but often smiles while still keeping his eye on them. When he met a dog for the first time, he started by keeping his distance, watching and learning from the chihuahua that was smaller than he was. In just a few minutes time he was cautiously petting him and then chasing him around the house by the end of the hour.

I can't tell you how proud I am of my son confident son. As a child I had some confidence, but a lot of it disappeared as I got older. I am not as brave as I'd like to be. But I can already see that he can be. And will be. But even if he's not, that's okay too. Because I am laid back enough to realize that he needs to be his own person and I will love him no matter how he turns out. But that doesn't mean I won't at least make a few suggestions. There are some good college majors I recommend, some possible career fields I might at least mention. And for now, while I can't control everything, I do still get to pick his outfits for at-home photo shoots (my favorite pandemic pastime) and push him in a stroller if I think of it and do our own story times to both help his mind grow and be a way to just continue to enjoy parenting.

We're all so different, but this same in the fact that we all love our children. And ultimately we all find aspects of being a mom or dad that makes us happy while choosing our parenting style and laying down our parenting rules. So each day we just have to remember there will be challenges and there will be joys, but we got this.