Postpartum - The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful?

My firstborn decided to feed me after I fed his brother.

Usually after childbirth, women are...how should I say it? Not comfortable. Whether you give birth the "traditional" way or go through major surgery, the days and weeks following are filled with recovery that includes: pain, leaking fluids, lack of energy, lack of sleep, and often postpartum depression or anxiety. After my first C-section, I remember its was a good day if I had time to brush my teeth. Between C-section pain, extreme headaches, and nursing my cluster feeding newborn around the clock, I felt pretty much chained to the downstairs couch and not in the mood to do much except binge watch whatever TV show on Netflix Hubby and I could come up with (and I still had to navigate a parade of visitors since we weren't living in pandemic times just yet).

This time we have also have a toddler to take care of.

So, it should be harder right? It should be uncomfortable every day for a while. That's what I was fearing when I found out I would need another C-section. Being chained to the couch again, in pain, struggling to care for both a newborn and a toddler while I feel awful for a while.

And yet...here's the good news.

It's. Actually. Not. Bad.

Everyone's experiences are going to be different, but I can happily say that my wonderful OB-GYN doctor was right in the fact that a scheduled C-section recovery is a lot easier than an emergency C-section recovery like I had last time.

My first few days home from the hospital I was checking off to-do list items like scheduling doctor appointments and then actually going to them without feeling like completely falling apart. Both the pediatrician and my OB-GYN said I appeared to be doing well having just given birth/had surgery. I was feeling pretty good too. Getting dressed and being able to pack the diaper bag gave me a sense of accomplishment. By the end of the week I was even climbing stairs regularly and helping to pick up my toddler's toys off the floor. With the help of a belly binder provided by the hospital, and only Ibuprofen every 6 hours as a painkiller, I was doing okay. I told people who asked how I was doing that the worst part was just trying to sit up after being in a lying down position. Stairs, bending, and most other tasks brought little pain unless I really overdid it with the cleaning (which didn't happen much since Hubby took care of most of it) or I accidentally started to pick up my toddler because I'm just so used to it (I shouldn't be lifting anything larger than my almost 6-pound newborn, and toddler is, in fact, 27 pounds!).

By 10 days post-surgery, I removed the belly binder, gone down to just one Ibuprofen a day if needed, and felt refreshed in regular clothes at home instead of pajamas. I even (TMI?) fit in my regular bra without a bra extender! Weight is down from 128 with baby to 118 post-surgery to 113 pounds! (My pre-pregnancy weight was around 94 pounds, so we're making progress!). If it weren't for a little lack of sleep (I get about 4-6 hours if you combine both night and day sleep) and frequent nursing, I'd almost feel ready to go back to work (but I definitely don't want to...).

Does that mean life is perfect and I'm just a rare unicorn mom who gives birth and bounces back instantly? Well, not exactly. I'm lucky and blessed to be feeling so good so quickly (thanks to my awesome doctor and the support of family who help watch Baby 1). But, there are still some discomforts (leaking milk, regular period-like bleeding, a few toddler tantrums, unexpected pain every so often, little time to shower, lack of sleep, and the newborn keeping me from accomplishing most tasks).

And the "bad" I would have to report would be the difficulty in getting two young children to sleep at the same time. Or at all.

My husband and I tag team the best we can during the day and especially at night. It took a few nights to realize that my strength is in getting Baby 1 to sleep while Hubby can hold Baby 2 in his arms and keep him asleep for a couple of hours even when I'm not around to nurse. So I have been typically rocking Baby 1 to sleep (I still can't lift him so we rock directly on the bed or lay down together to get sleepy) while Hubby holds Baby 2 after I've fed him. Then we swap and he goes to lie beside Baby 1 so he doesn't wake up while I change Baby 2 (who hates changing diapers and usually protests loudly), feed him again, put him down in his bassinet, and attempt to get a couple of hours' sleep in a row before he wakes up again for another feeding. Sometimes I'm tired enough for a quick nap after Baby 1 goes to sleep and Hubby stays up to ensure Baby 2 is safe while sleeping beside me. Sometimes Hubby naps with Baby 2 while I stay up to make sure he is safe (to be clear: co-sleeping with a newborn is not advised because of the danger of potential accidents, but if there is another person awake and monitoring the nap we can avoid those risks).

Naptime is just as challenging. It can take up to an hour to get Baby 1 asleep in the middle of the day. Sometimes we let him drop his nap, but he has proven to be a little extra cranky when that happens. Sometimes we invest the hour, knowing he will probably go to bed later, but at least we can plan for that. And usually during the week we leave the nap up to my parents or in-laws babysitting. One fewer task to have to worry about with a round-the-clock eating, pooping, napping newborn.

Despite the sleep issues, I definitely find it rewarding when I can successfully balance both boys, usually with help but also without! I pride myself on being able to whip up a meal for my toddler (even if it's his third serving of frozen chicken nuggets) while holding a napping newborn. Baby 1 has been adjusting remarkably well considering the big life change--he kisses his baby brother every time he sees him and has only had a couple of small tantrums when life becomes a little difficult. Yes, we're probably relying on YouTube a little more than usual, but he is over 2 years old now and so can watch for a little longer if it means we can survive this newborn, postpartum, two-little-kid phase in order to make it to the next stage of their childhoods.

And even with all the attention paid to Baby 2, Baby 1 is still constantly impressing us with his growing vocabulary and new skills. He can successfully tell us to "turn on TV" to watch "ABCs on TV." He hums along to songs we sing. When I close up my Mac laptop he says, "Bye bye iPad." It's adorable.

He and his brother are truly beautiful--together and apart. And while I would never consider myself anywhere near as beautiful or photogenic as these absolute dolls Hubby and I created, I was fully expecting to look in the bathroom mirror a few days postpartum and want to cry at the new, unfamiliar body looking back at me.

But I didn't.

My postpartum body isn't my pre-baby body, but I didn't find it to be "the ugly" part of "good, bad, and ugly" that I was expecting. I still have a little belly, of course, but it's not huge. I haven't even tried to fit into any clothes besides my maternity clothes yet (other than the bras without extenders), but I feel comfortable nonetheless. I have a very creepy looking scar, but it's not quite as awful as I was imagining. And I know with time the scar and the belly, and all that will change too. So instead of freaking out that I still have such a long way to go to "reclaim" the body I once had, I'm actually accepting how I look and not worrying about the calories I'm consuming to help breastfeed baby. "Bouncing back" will come with time, and I'm proud of the progress my body has made already. That in itself is kind of a beautiful concept.

But I do sometimes daydream about "the mom I want to be" once life settles down a bit from this early survival stage. I want to be able to balance both boys at once without needing to send one of them off for babysitting (I'm hoping I will eventually be able to lift my toddler again when needed). I want to be a working mom boss who my sons can be proud of and come home to snuggle with them and play and bathe and sleep all together. I want to change up my style a little and wear more makeup and earrings--that just feels like how I want to look as a mom of two. Maybe I'll eventually be able to wear more 50s dresses that I love and absolutely couldn't wear while pregnant. I plan to drink a lot of coffee (continue drinking a lot of coffee) not just to get through the day but because I love it and missed it. And if I get any smidgen of "me time" maybe I'll get back to writing fiction again. But mostly I plan for my world to be my family and my sons--planning upcoming birthday parties and photoshoots and holiday outfits, hoping that the world gets better from Covid so we can start to try fun social activities from playground outings to gym/dance/sports classes to maybe even preschool in the fall.

There's a lot to think about and dream and hope for, but for now we're living one day at a time, and that's okay too. I want to enjoy my maternity leave while I still have it, and bond with my kids as much as I can, and also enjoy the little things we have in life, like making a frozen pizza and writing a blog while Hubby naps with the newborn and my parents watch the toddler, and looking forward to the hours and days and years to come as we all start to get to do more and more in each phase of life our family experiences.

A family walk around the neighborhood!

Feeling good with my boys!