Challenges and Rewards

I'm not going to lie: life with two babies (and, yes, a 2.5-year-old toddler is basically still a baby) can be very, very hard.

I don't care what you see on Instagram--it's not the whole story. Sure, I post pictures of two smiling boys on social media without showing the 300 first takes or the tears it took to get there. But I'm more likely to "humble brag" about how smart my kids are than how easy my life is right now. I want friends and family to know I can't make it to parties or monthly clubs right now. I have a very good excuse. Maybe that's why I get a little frustrated when I see cousins with equally new babies and multiple kids post pictures online of their sushi outing three days after birth or their perfect Disneyland trip with a toddler and a one-month-old. They got both babies down for a nap at the same time! Now it's time for drinks!

They're making the rest of us look bad. Because I know it's not that easy. I can't even take both my boys to the library for over an hour because Baby 1 will inevitably try to escape to the staff only area, want to eat an entire ice cream cookie at the library cafe, and melt down in tears because he can't run through the parking lot alone while we try to put away Baby 2's stroller and debate nursing him in the car or driving home with more tears. I can't even imagine Disneyland at this stage.

Life with two babies can be very, very hard. Physically, but also mentally. I was prepared to be physically tired chasing my toddler, carrying babies everywhere, rocking bodies to sleep. Everyone tells you how you'll have your hands full. How every minute of your day will be taken up taking care of someone. It's true. We have to hold the baby until he falls asleep, nurse the baby, dress the toddler, feed the toddler, play with him and help him not feel excluded or replaced, clean up the Play-Doh and chicken nugget crumbs all over the floor of the kitchen, pump milk for my freezer "stash," wash the pump parts, measure the milk and pour into the freezer container, eat some kind of meal, prepare the bag to take to my parents' house/inlaws' house/pediatrician (and don't forget anything), do some laundry, take a shower, get two babies down for naps, navigate tears.

No one prepares you for the mental toll.

We have to be present but think about the future. Remember where the pink rubber ball was last left and which clothes and diaper sizes still fit and which video is the "so far so good video" and that "carpool" is actually "count Poohs" (Baby 1 has many Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals). We have to decide how much sugar is too much, how much TV is too much, what we should try to improve sleep, what we should try to get teeth brushed successfully. We wonder which allergy medicine is best (and research it). We wonder if big brother is sad when he sees me with the baby. We hope that he is happy overall. Because, probably hardest of all mentally (for me at least) is feeling my heart split in two. I know I have more than enough love for two children, but I can't be in two places at once and both my children very much need and want me. This is an incredible feeling, to be so wanted and needed and loved, but also makes nighttime especially challenging, my anxiety through the roof that Baby 1 will awaken crying while I'm feeding Baby 2 or that Baby 2 will awaken crying when I'm soothing Baby 1 and the last thing I want is to leave anyone's needs unmet. I can't not feed the baby, his only basic need and his requirement for survival. Plus, how else can I bond with this new little being in our lives? But I can't let my toddler feel neglected or replaced--he is going through such a huge transition and needs his mom's attention now more than ever. And I want to continue bonding with this wonderful personality I have come to know and love for over two years now. I can't choose between them because they are both my children. It's hard. My husband helps of course--he rocks Baby 2 as long as possible so I can be with Baby 1. He distracts Baby 1 when possible so I can feed Baby 2. It doesn't always work. There are often huge "sensitive moments" (it's not a tantrum from either of them, but just a crying out for what they need). It breaks my heart. But then...we get through it. We tag team. We take turns. We feed and soothe and find a way. And then my heart is whole again.

Starbucks date with Mommy while
Daddy practices with a bottle for the baby at home.

Because as challenging as it is to navigate two--physically and mentally--it is that much rewarding as well. When I take Baby 1 upstairs to start his bedtime routine he has my undivided attention away from Baby 2 and he knows it. He looks me right in the eye, smiles, and says "Mommy!" in a way that really sounds like he's saying "Mommy is here. Just her, just me." I was fixing him a snack in the kitchen when Hubby played a song we used to dance to on his iPad--the song we danced to right before my maternity leave with him ended. The song we danced to again right before I returned to work after Covid. (It's the song that played at the end of Avengers: Endgame--"It's Been A Long Long Time" by Harry James, and you can see the dance on my blog previously). Well, the moment the music started, my toddler ran to my arms to be picked up. You could see the recognition on his face. And as I danced him around the kitchen he said his name. "[Me] and Mommy." Yes, this was our dance. Our song. He remembered, and we had a wonderful moment together during a time when so much of my attention has to go to someone else.

And Baby 2? He's been gracing us with more smiles than my firstborn had at the same age. It's like he's giving a little something back for all the work we put into taking care of him without much audible "thanks," of course. On March 15 he even started to roll all by himself, showing off his impressive strength and coordination. Even his pediatrician was impressed with his neck control at this age, and while he didn't completely roll from back to belly (which is harder than rolling from belly to back) he did roll from his back to his side all by himself several times. Seeing the accomplishment, and at such an early age, is definitely rewarding, even if the accomplishment freaks him out a little and he start crying when he makes it to his side.

A great smile!

There's also the reward of seeing the brothers together. Though Baby 1 still doesn't like to hear his brother cry, he seems to be kissing and hugging even more than ever before, as if trying his best to make him feel better instead of just running to Mommy when he hears the sound. He wants to see Baby's face, his knees, his feet. He wants to wrap him in a blanket. He even has his own baby doll do "tummy time" and swaddles after seeing his brother do so. My favorite photos are the ones of them together, both staring at each other in wonder.

I hope we can capture some of that in our traditional, and needed, family photo shoot at the end of maternity leave. Now that we have a family of four our family portrait must be updated! I'm not looking forward to the end of maternity leave--this is our last week! But we have scheduled a photoshoot on the Saturday before both Hubby and I go back to work to commemorate the occasion with pictures and memories.

When we go back to work everything will change again. There will be new schedules to get used to--drop offs, pickups, pumping, bottle feedings, and more. We'll have even less time to do anything. The challenges will be greater, I know, because returning to work after a baby really challenged me the first time. I can't even imagine it with two. But my hope is that the rewards will be greater as well. After 10 hours apart, the joy and appreciation on both ends will be immense when we reunite. There will be stories to hear and new milestones to share, and my heart split in two will surely feel like each half has grown as I watch my boys grow and adapt and thrive.