Back to Work--Again!

We survived week one! (And week two and three). Hubby and I both started work again on the same day this time (March 28) after three months of parental leave. Three months bonding with our new baby, establishing a routine, and getting a reprieve from daily job duties ended in returning to our individual careers with a sigh. Hubby texted me that morning about how he missed our boys. I got down to business establishing a pumping schedule to ensure there would be enough breastmilk for the next day. We both were sad, but probably not quite as tearful as the first time around--perhaps because we'd been through this before, or perhaps because we had a rough, sleepless night right before and were focused on just surviving the day (The boys must have sensed a change that evening. Baby 1 also awoke early the night before I left for the hospital to give birth to his baby brother, so I know kids do pick up on big changes in us).

My colleague also told me it does get easier the second time around. You've been a mom before, you've been through this before, so adjusting back to work isn't quite as challenging. And that was indeed true for me. My first week back with Baby 1 left me in tears by Friday. I was overwhelmed, missing my firstborn, anxious about what life was now like for him back home with his babysitters while running from back to back meetings and squeezing in pumping breaks only to end up with blood dripping into my milk. This time, I have a new cordless pump, made a plan of attack for pumping times, and benefit from both a supervisor who allows me to ease back into my duties more slowly with the fact that meetings are now virtual (thanks Covid?). So if need be I can attend and pump while turning my camera and microphone off (instead of having to miss half a meeting and run to the nearest lactation room, ask the Security Guard to open it, pump as best I can, and run back to the meeting room: Not. Fun).

It was great to see my colleagues again and great to decorate my office with pictures of my newest baby. I never considered myself a career woman, always dreaming of being a stay-at-home writer mom, but this felt very much a good fit for me. I needed to be with my boys as much as possible, but after living through so much pandemic isolation (and living through Saturdays with nonstop nursing and chasing a toddler), I needed to talk to people and sit in an office for a few hours to just my legs and back rest. Pumping life is still exhausting, but made easier this time around thanks to that cordless pump again (I highly recommend the pricy but worth it Elvie pump), and while I feel like I'm endlessly washing bottles and pump parts and balancing time with a toddler and a baby, I don't feel as stressed or resentful of the pump this time around (so far). I make pumping part of the day (with a little sign for my office door), eat lactation brownies with oat milk lattes, and try not to forget my milk in the fridge at the end of the day.

The boys did okay the first week (or two) as well. No tears from the baby as he often displays a very chill, "go with the flow" kind of attitude (except when he's especially hungry or sleepy). My firstborn, however, is starting to go through another separation anxiety phase now that he's more verbal. It broke my heart this week and last when his little toddler voice says so clearly, "I. Don't. Like. It. When. Mommy. Goes." Even though we continued his babysitting schedule uninterrupted during maternity leave (so he could have one-on-one grandparent time while we bonded with baby and didn't rush into life with two littles TOO quickly), he is starting to recognize my absence even more now. Perhaps it's because I'm the one dropping him off instead of Daddy since my car is the only one with two carseats at the moment. Or perhaps it's because his one-on-one time with grandparents has come to an end as they babysit TWO kiddos, and he just craves the attention and the Mommy time he used to have. I miss it too. As he hugs me tight with a melancholy face and says "no" when I tell him I have to leave for work, I honestly feel like I could just stand there all day. He doesn't understand why I have to leave, what money is, or why we suddenly have a new person taking up Mommy's time (although he loves his brother and smothers him with kisses 90% of the time). He does, however, understand the concept of "new Play-Doh," so I try my best to distract him with his current favorite toy of all time (perhaps a 3rd birthday party theme?).

One of the bigger struggles of life with a baby and a toddler is the toddler's random sensitive moments of needing Mommy. I hope my kids will always need be, but there are definitely times when Baby 1 needs me so much that he can't even entertain the idea of me feeding the baby (despite his brotherly love and despite the fact that feeding will stop that loud crying sound). In response I try to give him as much one-on-one time as possible (an hour before bed just talking and playing in his room together, outings on the weekend while Baby 2 naps), and have had to get creative in order to ensure Baby 2 eats. With the promise of favorite activities and the promise of a little baby "magic," we've been able to manage so far (knock on wood). Apparently when Mommy feeds baby, it allows for such magical things to happen as toy balls to inflate or Easter eggs to appear, or boxes to be suddenly filled with snacks and activities. Whatever works so that Baby 1 doesn't feel left out when I know he is needing me, but Baby 2 also gets nourished.

Something else that has helped with sensitive moments is actually addressing one reason Baby 1 feels the need to cling to Mommy a little more. Just like we want comfort when we are sick, Baby 1 has been experiencing allergies lately (waking up to a runny nose so many times in the past month), so we started him on children's allergy medicine (after consulting our pediatrician nurse's line) that we mix in his applesauce every night. Since we started the routine he has been sleeping slightly better at night (especially appreciated to avoid having two littles up and needing me at the same time at 3am).

And speaking of sleep...Baby 2 has been sleeping slightly better at night as well (knock on wood again!). For a kid who started off sleeping one hour at a time when we brought him home from the hospital and then two hours at a time in the past couple of months, it's been amazing to have at least a couple of nights where he sleeps four hours straight (the goal), or the occasional six hours straight (just once, this week!). If Baby 1 also has a good sleep night that means Mommy and Daddy can actually get maybe four hours of sleep straight instead of broken up sleep all night long.

We're able to track baby sleep using our smart bassinet I've discussed before. Not only does it rock baby during the night in a sleep sack that prevents rolling over from the back (and thus decreases the chance of SIDs), but it connects to an app on my phone where I can see just how long Baby has been asleep. I'm so grateful to be living in an age where smart technology can make parenting just a tiny bit easier (though I know even without it we would find a way!). I use an app to track pumping time and milk amounts with my breast pump. I use an app to listen in on my toddler's nightlight lamp/baby monitor. And I definitely utilize the online mom communities on Facebook for questions about anything from birthday party ideas to sleep tips.

Now that we're back at work, I continue to work on balance, acknowledging both the bad days/nights and the good. We've had wonderful sleep and we've had terrible. There was a day when the 5-minute morning commute to my parents' house for dropping off the babies before work turned into 20 minutes of crying because of an accident on the nearby freeway diverting stop-and-go traffic to the surface streets. There have been outings to "Target where the toys are" (one of our first major outings as a family!) where Baby 1 was allowed to pick one toy and did so well despite the overwhelming number of options (he picked Play-Doh, by the way). And we got back our family photoshoot portraits, which were absolutely, absolutely perfect.

So even though life has changed again, we're managing, surviving, and enjoying the best we can!